Ashley Long, Ashley More, Noname Jane (formerly Violet Blue) — If you detect your heart galloping and throwing off arrhythmias, that might be the beautiful body of Ashley Long talking to your pecker and not your enfeebled body telling you the end is in sight. Then, again, if your physician's convinced you've got two days left, it's possible that you're not in a rapidly descencing submarine and that all the oxygen around you is being sucked up. This could, indeed, be the big one. Not that it's going to make you feel any better, but physicians have been known to screw up and make bloopers. Except theirs lead to a pile of medical bills that'll bury you before the undertaker gets there. That's why it's nice to be able to watch porn knowing that it doesn't promise world peace, a solution to poverty and hunger or a cure for cancer. Porn is outrageous and entertainingly stupid, and its entertainers are subject to hilarious misadventures. Listen to what Ashley has to say, and if you're gonna go, at least go with a smile on your face.

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Lily LaBeau — Lily LaBeau boasts Irish-Panamanian ethnicity which means her potato famine ancestors probably arrived over here by canal. You wouldn't know any of this, of course, if you bumped into Lily, say at the local coffee shop. But once you tried to putting the make on her, you'd realize she's only attracted to swarthy, mustachioed men by the name of Suarez. Granted, this story may or may not be fabricated because with porn chicks who knows what's real or isn't? Nonetheless they can regale you with stories that defy credibility if not actual sense. Lily's got a few of her own yarns to spin, but we'd prefer to see her in action wondering if her ass hole smelled like corned beef and cabbage. Anyways, this video clip gives you a little sampling of both.

Ruby Rayes, Proxy Paige, Michelle Myers, Paris Marie — Like the early bed specials at those old drive-in theatres we used to make out at, it's time for one of those four-hot-chicks-for-the-price-of-one sales. And, like having your own peephole at a Pajama Party, slobber to the carnal delights offered by Ruby Rayes and her tittering buddies as they undress, make a little love and relate wild anecdotes that can only happen to porn broads. Don't know about you, but we've already made up our minds to soil our pants to Proxy Paige, who embodies the cheap tawdriness of the classic shanty town bottled blonde. If proxy-fucking the girl next door is your thing, you also have Michelle Myers. But good luck trying to get a phone number. You'll be sucking voice mail and leaving embarrassing messages that you'll only regret later when she files a TRO against you for stalking. Just kidding. Then if you've got enough strength left in your weary bones to get it up, there's Paris Marie. Oh, you want Paris Hilton? You're on the wrong page and wrong income bracket.

Joy, Mona, Goy, May, Jane — Whenever you get five porn girls together with first and no last names, you wonder if someone staged a raid on an orphanage to cast a movie. [Just thinking out loud, no need to get hot and bothered and call Family Services.] Looking down the list, the name caught us as well - Goy - a woman who obviously gets loads of respect when it comes to seating in a Jewish deli. "Goy, party of three!!" Why do you suppose a porn gal chooses such a name? We know she's from Thailand. Is there some local dish she's named after like, Some Young Goy? Stay tuned and you might learn something. Both on the fuckability and poker scale, it looks like we got a full house of Asian chicks from that neck of the woods with funny stories about malaria and house boats. This is gonna be a riot, we promise.

Delilah Strong, Renee Pornero, Lena Julliett — The ultimate blooper award has to go to Delilah Strong's first boyfriend. We don't know what the real circumstances are or were, but for a healthy redblooded guy to have blown an opportunity with one of the world's great pieces of ass is not only a miscarriage of justice but a miscue on any score card. But look who's talking? We've socially interacted with Delilah on a couple of occasions and when opportunity arose to nestle our finger between her inviting ass cheeks, we turned into babbling morons with the sexual grace of a stable boy. Hindsight, as they say, is 20-20 and we're just curious what Renee Pornero's and Lena Julliett's romantic stories are. There must be true heartfelt pain and suffering involved, but when a porn chick relates the tale it somehow involves cops, bail bondsmen and drunken lawyers trying to get into their pants. But we could be wrong.